Just Watching

We took your parents to lunch at the deli yesterday. We enjoyed being with them. They told us that they plan to move to live with your sister and her family. It will be a big change for them to give up their home after so many years but they know they need help. Assisted living is costly about $5000 a month to start.  I think they are ready for the change as they realize they need help.  They said at home they eat TV dinners every day and are not getting the nutrition they need is my assumption. Your mother trembles much more than she did when we last saw her. She is taking pills for it but they do not seem to help her. Your dad seems to be doing fairly well but he has memory problems at times too. He takes sleeping pills every night he said so that makes him drowsy and sleep during the day too so he drinks coffee to keep him awake. Growing older is difficult as I saw with my parents. I do not know your sister, but I think that being around family and getting proper nutrition and having someone to monitor their medical appointments and medications will be good for them.

This was a note I received recently from a cousin. She has no idea about my parents hoarding behavior, nor about their overall behavior as parents towards their children. I feel like if I brought those issues up now with this cousin, it would probably be disregarded as just another symptom of getting old, or that I am just exaggerating.

Frustration
It is frustrating for me to hear others describe to me who my parents are. They make so many assumptions, like "I think they are ready for the change as they realize they need help." They have no idea what kind of lifestyle my parents built for themselves. They don't know my sister or her family. So others make assumptions about things they don't understand the details of, like saying "Growing older is difficult as I saw with my parents."

Denial 
One of the most memorable lines of American Beauty was "Never underestimate the power of denial."  I feel like when talking about hoarders, the first obstacle is getting passed the denial that everyone else expresses about this. They say that I probably imagine it much worse than it was, or it couldn't really be that bad, or maybe this is a degenerative behavior and they were fine earlier. I feel that vibe coming across in this note. She says, "We enjoyed being with them. They told us that they plan to move to live with your sister Beth and her family."

No where was it discussed the fate of the house that they live in now. Of course the cousin doesn't know that the house is a hoard that my parents couldn't possibly get into order before their move. The cousin couldn't possibly know that children were raised in that hoard and yelled at by suggesting something be done to clean it up. "You wanna know why this house is a mess! It's because of you and you're always bothering us."

No the cousin doesn't know about that.

Family
The cousin makes other assumptions about my parents plan to move in with my sister, painting a romantic warm, inviting image. She says, "I do not know your sister, but I think that being around family and getting proper nutrition and having someone to monitor their medical appointments and medications will be good for them."

A few months ago, my sister visited my parents to initiate her first plan - to clean up the hoard and move in. Her pilot trip lasted 3 weeks and she never returned. After I talked to my parents about the experience.

"So how was my sister's visit?" I asked.
"Oh it was interesting." my mother said.
"I bet you enjoyed having the baby over."
"She was heavy."
"But I bet she smiled a lot?"
"Not so much. It was hard."
"Really? It must have been nice having her there with you, a nice change."
"A nice change? It was hell!" my mother said.
"Why?"
"How would you like being yelled at old the time, do this, do that, move this, move that."

Then looking back, at the last time my parents went to visit my sister, two years ago, they didn't share much about the experience. I had asked them about how was their visit to my sister. "I don't want to talk about it," my father said, "it is like walking on thin ice being with her. Everything upsets her."

Watching
So in reading my cousin's note, I contemplated how to respond. Should I lash out and send pictures of the hoard, sharing my personal experiences? Should I fill her in on more details about our family life.

I decided to respond with a short note. "Thanks, keep me updated."

Despite my parents experiences with my sister, they have made their decision to go live with her. Despite my more intimate knowledge about my parents, I watch helplessly as this cousin laments their predicament, and their discomfort. So there is little that I can do to affect these people's outlook, and I will leave them with that. Now I will be on the sidelines, just watching.